It’s Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, for Me

Happy Fuckin' Holiday

Feeling dead inside during the holidays might be second on the list of worst things ever only to actually being dead during the holidays.

Well, I’m here to tell ya: I’m alive, it’s Christmas, and I don’t give a shit about anything.

I’ve only been depressed two other times in my life, and they both followed significant, traumatic losses in my life.

This time, I’ve just got a tiny T-shaped plastic thing spewing a very low dose of progesterone into my uterus to blame.

Fuck you, Donald Trump, for scaring me into getting an IUD.

The timing? It couldn’t be worse. Starting a new relationship with someone I really like and potentially killing it by turning into an incredibly anxious, moody, needy, insecure monster is hard to swallow.

Pursuing a huge opportunity at work that I’ve had a very hard time maintaining my usual passion and enthusiasm for is rough. I’m used to loving what I do and being great at my job.

Feeling apathetic, sad and alone when I am literally surrounded by people who care about me at Christmastime is soul-draining. It’s hard to be around people and it’s even harder to be alone. Hey, friend or family member, would you like to let me sit near you while I cry uncontrollably? Thanks.

If I could go back in time and get a redo on this, I would. I have no reason to be unhappy right now, but there are chemicals in my brain telling me that I am the most unhappy I’ve ever been.

So how do I fix this? In the past, I knew that all I needed was time to heal. This time, it’s more complicated.

I’m dragging myself, kicking and screaming, into enjoying the holidays and enjoying life. I’m making myself do stuff – all the normal things that I used to love doing, and then more. Trying to find new hobbies or activities to be interested in. Pursuing different entertainment options. Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. Anything to avoid being alone – actually or with my thoughts.

And of course, I could have the IUD removed – but I’m still trying to give it a fair shake and my body time to level out. If it doesn’t, I will.

I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. I don’t remember how I found it last time, but I know that I will. Until then – thanks for being my friend, thanks for caring about me, thanks for trying to help me.

Happy Fuckin’ Holiday

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